Sunday, April 01, 2007
::
i had to fall to lose it all
::
it struck me how weak i'm feeling right this very moment. and for the millionth time perhaps, i woke up with a jolt halfway through the night engulfed by this sickening feeling. and damn! i'm exhausted. very exhausted. i need a good long rest. peaceful sleep with no nightmares or any form of dreams involved. i need to get my energy back pretty badly and i have a dreadful feeling that THAT ain't about to happen soon enough.
i got a real horrible stare by myself in my near recent nightmare. damnit! i looked so cold blooded. it seems like i'm being chased about by myself in my dreams. WTH!!! now i'm scared of myself. and i can still feel my cold, dead, hateful stare. i felt so shrunken by that stare. it was so full of anger and pain. 'i' was pulling me towards 'myself' with that stare. and perhaps i was lucky that i escaped 'myself' by waking up. but waking up made me aware how depressing my life is getting. and as i lay staring at my ceiling, all i can feel is emptiness. how i hate that painful emotion. it claws at my heart and rips me apart. i felt worst than a rotten piece of shit. then, as usual, the night continued with me curling under my quilt and crying till i'm too exhausted to remain awake and drifted off to tormenting land again. truth to be told, i don't understand my own feelings anymore. now, that's depressing to my ears. i used to understand myself pretty well. hahs.
maybe its normal to be feeling this way. maybe its just my mood-swing. but damn! i don't think its something normal nor do i think its my mood-swing. i know i feel empty for certain reasons. the reasons are so inevitable but, yet, i'm trying my best to drown them and shutting them in the deepest, darkest corner of my soul. all these are leaving me in a damned complete turmoil. these reasons are long overdued to be attended to and maybe that's why they're affecting my mind. i can go nuts if i don't take care of them soon. i need a break from everything to do this. yeah, maybe i shall do some real answering to my own questions. well... guess i'll be out of touch for the next few days. don't worry or even wonder what i might be up to. just be assured that i'll be feeling better when i come back. well... maybe not completely recovered from this shit but... at least abit better. cheers!
PS. did i tell u that i have a strong feeling that 'myself' from my dream might just be that cold-blooded person i used to be? well... she may have scared the living night life from my list but damnit(!!!) that girl i used to be is just so cool to be heartless hahs. yeah... hope i can turn pretty heartless so i can avoid having all these weak emotions. nyeh heh heh... pardon my negative thinking hor.
PSS. its 3.45am and i'm still refusing to doze off. what can i do? 'i' am about to kill myself. boo hoo!!! i'm only trying to save my skin. =)
PSSS. and i feel a whole lot better after writing this. in fact, i sense a smile lingering at my lips. yeah... i'm abit lighter all of a sudden. double cheers peeps!!! =D
"and this is my beautiful life
only in sudden everything changes
lows and the highs and almost goodbyes
as odd as it get's like, its still is amazing to be alive
it's a be.you.tiful life."
i got a real horrible stare by myself in my near recent nightmare. damnit! i looked so cold blooded. it seems like i'm being chased about by myself in my dreams. WTH!!! now i'm scared of myself. and i can still feel my cold, dead, hateful stare. i felt so shrunken by that stare. it was so full of anger and pain. 'i' was pulling me towards 'myself' with that stare. and perhaps i was lucky that i escaped 'myself' by waking up. but waking up made me aware how depressing my life is getting. and as i lay staring at my ceiling, all i can feel is emptiness. how i hate that painful emotion. it claws at my heart and rips me apart. i felt worst than a rotten piece of shit. then, as usual, the night continued with me curling under my quilt and crying till i'm too exhausted to remain awake and drifted off to tormenting land again. truth to be told, i don't understand my own feelings anymore. now, that's depressing to my ears. i used to understand myself pretty well. hahs.
maybe its normal to be feeling this way. maybe its just my mood-swing. but damn! i don't think its something normal nor do i think its my mood-swing. i know i feel empty for certain reasons. the reasons are so inevitable but, yet, i'm trying my best to drown them and shutting them in the deepest, darkest corner of my soul. all these are leaving me in a damned complete turmoil. these reasons are long overdued to be attended to and maybe that's why they're affecting my mind. i can go nuts if i don't take care of them soon. i need a break from everything to do this. yeah, maybe i shall do some real answering to my own questions. well... guess i'll be out of touch for the next few days. don't worry or even wonder what i might be up to. just be assured that i'll be feeling better when i come back. well... maybe not completely recovered from this shit but... at least abit better. cheers!
PS. did i tell u that i have a strong feeling that 'myself' from my dream might just be that cold-blooded person i used to be? well... she may have scared the living night life from my list but damnit(!!!) that girl i used to be is just so cool to be heartless hahs. yeah... hope i can turn pretty heartless so i can avoid having all these weak emotions. nyeh heh heh... pardon my negative thinking hor.
PSS. its 3.45am and i'm still refusing to doze off. what can i do? 'i' am about to kill myself. boo hoo!!! i'm only trying to save my skin. =)
PSSS. and i feel a whole lot better after writing this. in fact, i sense a smile lingering at my lips. yeah... i'm abit lighter all of a sudden. double cheers peeps!!! =D
"and this is my beautiful life
only in sudden everything changes
lows and the highs and almost goodbyes
as odd as it get's like, its still is amazing to be alive
it's a be.you.tiful life."
More than anything,
Sunday, April 01, 2007.
Sunday, April 01, 2007.
