♥ Asphyxiated Love

:: In the end it doesn't even matter ::

My e-mail account has been flooded by tons and tons of mails from you. Yes, I've gone through them and really comprehend what you were trying to convey. But your recent most mail was so... wrong. It's just plain wrong. Why me? Why must it always be me? Why must you push it all to me? Have I done something that offended you?

You made me stay up all night trying to heal myself. You made me fake my own feelings. I had to go around with a fake bright smile just to mask my miserable self. You've made my life a never ending masquerade. I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm so superficial. No matter what, I will always appear cheerful coz I know, if I break down and all is lost, those I've been pushing up will crumble back down with me.

But isn't it surprising that the person whom had always busted me remains the only one who can guess my misery behind my convincingly-cheerful fake laugh? Life is strange.

I held back my tears not wanting to show I'm not as strong as my front appearance. Yes, indeed, I'm weak. Weak, sensitive, towards those tiny stuffs you call pathetic reasons. All my life, I've been taught how to shield myself from the big things. Now, I'm too immune to all those big stuffs; and with no shield to the small things. I'm sorry I've never told you this but...

You've hurt me so deep down inside.

More than anything,
Friday, November 10, 2006.